Crane Faculty Gala 2007

I am the very model of a modern college president.

 

© John F. Schwaller

Italic portions borrowed from: http://www.luxumbradei.com/parody/college-president.html

 

  I am the very model of a modern college president,
I'm always on the job though nearly always a non-resident.
I tour about the country to assemblies gastronomical,
And give all sorts of speeches from sublime to broadly comical. 

  I like to see department chairs that work to write the catalog.
I’m praising all the deans in phrases taken from the Decalogue.
I keep the chancellor calm, and the alumni all benevolent,
Restrain all signs of riot and publicity malevolent.

  Chorus:
Restrain all signs of riot and publicity malevolent.
Restrain all signs of riot and publicity malevolent.
Restrain all signs of riot and publicity ma-le-malevolent.

  I'm fond of giving dinners in a layout that’s real spiffical,
And talking to all hearers using accents quite pontifical.
So though I pile up mileage, being generally non-resident,
I am the very model of a modern college president.

  Chorus:
So though he piles up mileage, being generally non-resident,
He is the very model of a modern college president.

  I've shaken every human hand that's manicured and squeezable,
I pass the hat among the rich; the buck wherever feasible.
I mix with all the business kings, the Lions and the Rotary,
Of heiresses and rich tycoons I am the hopeful votary.

  I work with students bright, and with the faculty quite brilliant.
The press and commentators I’ve successfully made resilient.
Of buildings here I plan to see the number grow a whole lot more
The Legislature knows exactly what it is we’re waiting for.

  Chorus:
The Legislature knows exactly what it is we’re waiting for.
The Legislature knows exactly what it is we’re waiting for.
The Legislature knows exactly what it is we’re waiting, waiting for. 

  I use the phrase "distinguished guest" at every opportunity,
And welcome college friends into my parlor every June for tea.
So though I pile up mileage, being generally non-resident,
I am the very model of a modern college president.

  Chorus:
So though he piles up mileage, being generally non-resident,
He is the very model of a modern college president.

  I love to eat at Dexter's and the Lehman cafeteria.
I cheer the Bears in sports because we clearly are superior.
I listen to the concerts and recitals done in Hosmer Hall.
I revel in the plays and dance; our students simply have it all.

  The Satterlee clock tower overlooks our campus beautiful.
And Raymond Hall it rises to great heights to see the county full.
The Adirondack Park is found just outside of our boundaries.
The students study bugs and trees, and even ancient foundaries.

  Chorus:
The students study bugs and trees, and even ancient foundaries.
The students study bugs and trees, and even ancient foundaries.
The students study bugs and trees, and even ancient founda, foundaries.

  The mansion of the President was nicely just remodeled.
But sorry am I that I cannot there too often lay my head.
So though I pile up mileage, being generally non-resident,
I am the very model of a modern college president.

  Chorus:
So though he piles up mileage, being generally non-resident,
He is the very model of a modern college president.

  In fact, when I know what is meant by "outcomes" and "assessment,"
When I can tell a harsh put down from actual harassment,
When such affairs as courses and requirements I’m more wary at
And when I know cowboy from a horse without a lariat

  When I have learned all things about the courses and curriculum
When I can stand outside not being subject to ridiculum
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental knowledge true
You’ll say a better president has never even thought it through.

  Chorus:
You’ll say a better president has never even thought it through.
You’ll say a better president has never even thought it through.
You’ll say a better president has never even thought it, thought it through.

  In administrative knowledge I am cute and very laughable
In parlors and in boardrooms I am seldom less than affable
But still, I pile up mileage, being generally non-resident,
I am the very model of a modern college president.

  Chorus:
Though still he piles up mileage, being generally non-resident,
He is the very model of a modern college president.