Civil Discourse

• Ignore the comment
  The other person may be trying to get a rise out of you. Don’t give it to them.
   
• Assume that the person had good intentions - "I know that you mean well, but that hurts."
  Explain the impact of what they said or did. Sometimes, a person just needs to understand why what they said or did was hurtful so that they won’t do it again.
   
• Ask a question - "What do you mean by that?"
  Having to explain a comment could force the person to rethink what they are doing and understand its negative impact on others.
   
• Interrupt and/or Redirect - "Let’s not go there."
  By directly confronting and changing the conversation, you’re setting boundaries about what you will and won’t accept from others.
   
• Broaden to universal behavior - "I think that applies to everyone."
  This takes the attention off you as an individual and gets the other person to think about what they are trying to say or do.
   
• Make it individual - "Are you speaking about someone in particular?"
  This causes the other person to be specific about who they are talking about. This could cause the other person to reflect on what they are saying.
   
• Simply say, “Ouch!
  This alerts the other person that they have crossed a line without you needing to fully engage with them.
   
• Seek assistance from campus resources
  The Counseling Center, Center for Diversity, Office of Student Conduct and Community Standards, University Police, Title IX Office and many other campus offices are here to support you. These offices can be an empathetic ear or help you to develop a response specific to your situation.

Please note, not every option is appropriate for every person or every situation. Practice a couple of ways to react to someone else so that you’ll be prepared if the need arises. Inadvertently saying something unkind once is rude, purposefully saying it is mean, intentionally repeating it is bullying.

Some ways you can make a difference when you see someone throwing shade at a classmate are listed below. Keeping yourself safe is always the most important thing. Only intercede if you feel safe and comfortable doing so.

• Distract: Take initiative to indirectly confront or de-escalate the situation. Try to engage with the person who is in a vulnerable position – ask them the time or pretend that they are a friend of yours.
   
• Delegate: Seek out a person of authority or a third party and make them aware of the situation. Bring them to help de-escalate the situation. Talk with the person impacted. Ask if they would like you to call the police or someone else.
   
• Delay: After the incident is over, talk to the person affected. Ask if they would like company, if you can assist them or get them somewhere safe.
   
• Document: Write down what you saw or heard. Include the location, date and time. Ask the person affected what to do with the information.
   
• Direct: Address the situation directly and ask the person to stop. Or, try to engage with the person impacted —ask them if they are ok or if they need help.

Here are some ways that you can directly intervene:

• Promote empathy - "How would you feel if someone said something like that about your friend?"
  Ask how they would feel if someone said something like that about them, their group/friends or their family.
   
• Acknowledge their feelings and try to address the real issue why that might be - "It sounds like you’re upset with them. I can understand why that might be. Do you want to talk about it?"
   
• Play to their pride - "Come on, you’re too smart to say something so offensive".
  Tell them they’re too smart or good to say things like that.
   
• Use humor - When they say something like “He plays like a girl,” respond with “Do you mean Serena Williams?”
  Use gentle sarcasm or humor to help them see the hurtful way they’re acting.
   
• Point out what they have in common - "Did you know that you both are History majors?"
  Get them to see the other as a person, too.
   
• Focus on the impact - "When you say that, you’re creating drama when there doesn’t need to be any."
  Get them to see what their actions are really doing.
   
• Appeal to their values - "You always tell me that you want everyone to feel like they belong, but when you say things like that you undermine that ideal."
  Get them to see that their actions are not in step with how they want to be seen. 
   
• Simply say, “Ouch!”
  This alerts the other person that they have crossed a line without you needing to fully engage with them.

Act as an Upstander – someone who takes action or actively intervenes to help others rather than a passive bystander. Your silence in a situation gives the offender cover.  

Please note, not every option is appropriate for every person or every situation. Practice a couple of ways to react to someone else so that you’ll be prepared if the need arises.

Sometimes, even with the best of intentions, we say or do something to someone else and only afterwards understand the negative impact it had on the other person. It’s best to address the situation rather than pretend it didn’t happen. Be sincere and honest. 

Try these actions:

• Own your mistake - "I’m sorry."
   
• Be specific about what you’re sorry for - "I shouldn’t have said that."
   
• Express genuine remorse/empathize - "I realize what I said to you was hurtful."
   
• Promise to change/correct the situation - "I promise that in the future, I will be more careful in what I say."
   
• Don’t offer excuses/take responsibility - "I was wrong."
   
• You can offer an explanation about your actions, but do not let your explanation justify your action. Consider the difference between: I was trying to be funny and didn’t know you’d be so sensitive (justification) and I was trying to be funny, but I understand now that what I said was insensitive to you. (explanation)
   
• Give the other person time to decide how hey want to move forward - "Please let me know what’s next. Take your time."

Other Considerations

• Know that the other person may or may not accept your apology – that’s their choice.
   
• It might be best to apologize in person. Social media and texting may be too impersonal to express adequate empathy.
   
• You don’t owe your offender an apology. Giving them an apology lets their behavior go unaddressed. 
   
• Apologize once and be done with it – trying to keep apologizing can make matters worse.

Practice these actions so that you’ll be prepared if the need arises.